BottleRocketTyler

sooooooooooo i don't post on LJ anymore... Mostly because facebook is the communication method of choice these days. However i was thinking about it and theres allot of benifits to LJ including space to ramble, meeting NEW people... not just old people that hated you when they knew you (pretty common facebook experience i gather!) and there might actuially be useful informative information on LJ..... maybe :p

OK, so i was reading though my previous posts and wow... pretty emo, it's strange to read them and remember the space i was in during those periods of my life. I dont want to minimalise those experiences because they were hard at the time and i was still findinf my feet (still am!) but wow i was pretty angsty.

annnyhoo heres a bit of an update (although im not sure who actuially reads this?!) I've been on T now for 2 1/2 years, i supose theres been a whole buncha physical changes that i haven't journaled. I ALMOST have a beard.... i'd really like my moustache to grow in properly and not look like a teenstache then i'd be happy :) can't say the same for the hair on the top of my head... hair line is receeding...i guess thats the way it goes tho.
ummmm, what else, i've been living on my own for the past 4 months, thats pretty big, first time ever, it's really fuckin hard and there are days that i hate it and would do anything to not feel so bloody lonley. I've lived with partners pretty much consistantly since i left my parents house and well this being on my own thing is a hard lesson to learn for a serial cohabitating monogamist, but i'm hoping it'll be a positive experience in the end. I do however LOVE living in kensington market.
I've had to deal with the death of a family member that was (and still is) pretty friggin hard. Grief is a feeling that i'm not entirely familar with so it has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride for awhile...i hope i'm gonna be able to get off soon.
I have a puppy, Shes cute as hell and i love her like i've never loved another living creature before. Shes a brindel boxer called Olive and shes just over a year old now and huge sorce of joy for me :D

ok, i think thats enough for today.... i think i'll post more often from now on.

peace.

well clearly i'm neglecting LJ....likely due to facebook eating my life.

ok so whats new other than my life being eaten by bloody facebook...
mmmmm.....I'M MOVING!!! WOOOO!! yes, i'm excited because that means not only will I actuially have a space that is mine (not that i don't love Sawyers couch) but I'm going to be moving in with 2 of the cutest girls I know aaaannnnnddd one of them happens to be my girlfriend! Yup thats right, I'm doing it again, moving in with a partner after only a few months, lesbian style (uhaul and all).

but seriously I really think this is it this time, Shes the girl of my dreams and I loves her a whole lot and all I want to do is make her as happy as she makes me. <3

oo oo and Sara (the cute girl thats not my girlfriend) has a weener dog...it'll be sorta like haveing a dog of my own, except without the vet bills.

Also i graduate in like 2 weeks! Huray for being done college! I'm still waiting to hear back from U of T for this comming september so fingers are still crossed.

and i will leave you with some picture updates as T is kicking in and things are changing :P

( pics )
Peace
Ty

OK so my LJ posts are kinda ancient! Here's my new start..

Life is better than it's ever been. The people around me are incredible in so many ways. I'm doing so many productive and progressive things and it makes me happier than ever.

I have an amazing girlfriend who makes me smile more than i have in a long time! shes slowly (or not so slowly!) changing my world every single day. and i love it.

I just applied for Equity studies at U of T for september and i'm veerrrry excited about that....fingers crossed i get in!

The TYSP at SOY is coming along and it's great to see that people are interested in a program i started.

My family in England took the news of my transition VERY well...in fact my nan sent me $100 to help.

My job at GH is awesome, I love the people there and Todd and Mandy are great!

I might be going back to the mother country sometime in May to spend some time with the family, eat lots of good home cooking and drink with my cousins

ALSO its my 20th Birthday on march 17th...yea thats right st.Paddy's day! and i expect you all to party with me....I plan on getting hammered and isn't that what everyone does on st.Pad's day so why not join me!

This is my new start. it's gonna be a good one.
Peace
-Ty

Soooo my last post was very cheery and well lets just say that things aren't like that any more. Maybe they will be eventuially, i should get over it and move on...its just not that easy. im trying and think im doing ok at it but we'll see. The transition is going well, love the effects of T but hate how the people around you change as you change... it really makes you question life and how when you think you're going good...when you think your at your best, things might just blow up in your face.

my advice to everyone, when you have a good thing look after it because you dont know when it will be gone

peace
Ty

Things are good.

Really good.

Life is moving in the right direction.

So my first T shot was a week ago (#2 today!) and i feel GREAT, its most likley 90% psychological but i just feel better knowing that things are heading in the right direction. According to Jake i have 2 hairs growing =P and i have had a sore throat which i am attributing to T and my voice changing...yey! My sex drive is defiantly up....not sure if that just cus im happier or if T has actuially kicked in?

Recent Highlights:

JAKES BIRTHDAY
Well Jakes birthday was a goodhandys as most of you know and his mum was there...really if you knew his mum you'd know what a big deal this is and how great it was for him to have her there and being so supportive. I really found a new love for his mum (who i already though was awesome), im very proud to call her my mother in-law (kinda...we're not married, but who knows...one day?)

JAKES NAME CHANGE
Its offical he is Jacob Aiden christopher Parcher and proud of it...turns out it went through on his birthday...how sweet is that. love you baby x

GENDERFUKT
All the build up and stress leading to genderfukt is gone...it was a friggin awesome show, the Backdoor boys act rocked my socks i felt so good when we nailed it and everyone was cheering...much love to the other bois in the 'band'. And our grease lightning act was friggin suhweet too...i kinda like that look on me too...i've always wanted to do the rockabilly/greaser thing but never had the chance to...maybe ill buy a leather jacket ;) Everyone elses act was amazing too, i particularly liked renee and Holden's act..defiantly hit close to home and Brian, Johnny and Justin's political number. Great job to everyone they all rocked!
* I would like to mention that the people at genderfukt are amazing beautiful people and many of them are awesome friends, Meaghan you have no idea how much you helped me that night, its truly a pleasure to know you and call you a friend, thanks for being there. And to everyone else who stood up and fought (you know who you are) i respect you more than anything...keep fighting, i know its a battle we face everyday, know that there are people that love and care for you*

T SHOTS
I know it sickly cute but Jake gets his first shot today and i get my second...we're only one week apart... blah i love him so much and i love that we can grow and move forward together.

PLACEMENT
I',m doing my placement at SOY (supporting out youth) a queer youth organization, let me just say over the last couple of weeks i have met some exceptional and inspiring individuals, both youth and workers alike.

OK GO
Im going to see OK GO at the Mod club on the 13th *is very excited* loves them!

Thanks again to the people around me for helping me through life, you are appreciated.
Peace
-Ty

P.s Dont forget Jake and I are having a 'T party' tonight starting at 8pm at Sawyers (call Jake or I for directions) Also if Hilary comes its going to be a 'un-birthday party' (keeping with the Alice in wonderland theme)....Shhhh don't tell her i told you that its her birthday...she doesn't like birthdays!

I GOT MY FIRST T SHOT TODAY!!! WHOOOO.... come party with me at Sawyers place...Sherbourne and Dundas, call me or Jake for directions... im so friggin happy you have no idea!! ill do a secerious updat later!
Peace
-Ty

Grrrr, You know what i Hate, waiting!! I thought the decision making was a long process but the waiting when you know what you want is killer....Im WAY past my 3 month date with sherbourne and im soooo ready to start HRT...why is it taking so long!!! Im so sick of being stuck like this... My next Dr. app is on the 16th and its taking FOREVER to get here. I know im whining but im just pissed off with the waiting. On another note i think i've found someone to sign my name change form, Helene, this awesome 60yr old lady that my dad happend to meet getting drunk at a bar 5 years ago thats now become a good family friend. Shes wicked cool, works and CAMH and is just totally down to earth. So i can get her to sign that soon, then i think the free lawyer at my school will be the official legal signiture. And its easier than i thought to change my name in England too, so i can get a new passport and such...its just an online form....super easy!!

im hungry...going to eat cashews...yumm!
-Ty
P.S Jake, you rock my socks (you know why)

well this past week has been really busy but lots of fun. The highlights were Kings ransom and getting inked. Kings ransom was wicked fun, everyone did a great job and i had a really dirty mustache! Everything is going great with the transition, i just past my 3 month date with my counselor and i have a dr. app booked for the 16th this month for blood work and then i have another app for te 23rd where i should (hopefully) get my 'script for T...FINALLY!!! *fingers crossed*. So Jake and I have been dying to get tats for awhile so we finally did it on the 29th. He got the word "Chaos" on the back of his neck and i got the chaos symbol on my right forearm, basically because life is beautiful chaotic, especially the past year, oh well balance is boring! ...I'm so addicted, 2 tats just isn't enough...i probably going to be working on a full sleeve soon, i want a pin up girl, with 2 checkered flags, but Jake doesn't like that idea (i'll bring him around to it!. Anyways here are some pic's... (Jake has ALOT more on his journal, so i'll just post a few)
( Dirty Cowboys )
...Ill post pics of England and my cousins wedding as soon as my dad gives me the disk back!
Peace,
Ty

well alot has been going on, I have been to Alot of counseling session and im heading towards my 3month mark required for 410 sherbourne to start me on HRT. so i should be starting T late september, early october, whoot! i am so excited. also my parents are being great about it, they are so supportive and my mum even came to this group info session at sherbourne yesterday, it was awesome. the next step is to tell everyone in England...some people know but not many, so im going to England in exactly 5 days for my cousins wedding, where i will be wearing a killer suit, that i think my nan is going to shit her pants over! oh well =P so while im in Englnd i will be assessing everyones reactions to my appearance and behaviors then when i get back i will write them a long letter explaining my transition. so that should be interesting. oh year speaking of weddings my buddy Elsa is getting married to her one and only canadian boy Evan this sunday so Jake and I will be going to her wedding. In other news i preformed wednesday night at crews with Jake and it was awesome, i got pretty drunk by the end of the night but hey whats a boy suppose to do! (see pictures below) also we're going to a Trans party tonight a 5ive as part of the AIDS conference, a bunch of us are going so it should be wicked! oh yeah i quite cadbury too...i feel so free and liberated now, i just have my "trans job" lol... love Goodhandys! everyone should come out and party at Goodhandys...and tip lots ;). oooh yeah we also went camping a couple weeks ago, it was sooooo much fun, ill post pics of that too, it rained a bit, but it was still an awesome camping trip. we were all very drunk, some more that others *cough Nathan cough* lol. anyway i think thats about it for now.
peace
-Ty

( pic-tastic! )

Whoot! Sherbourne called me back and i had my first appointment. It was awesome to finally feel like im on my way...im so excited you have no idea! we talked about tons of stuff and she gave me stuff to read and it just felt good to talk to her and have her understand completly. Im going again this tuesday and i can't wait. my parents are really coming to terms with it too...my mum makes cute little jokes and stuff! Now i just have to find a better job and things will be a trillion times better.

AND i got a placement for next year with SOY (supporting our youth) and im excited about that too, they already call me Tyler and everything, im going to volunteer with them through the summer too.

Also im really looking forward to pride...its katie's first pride so i get to be her guide and theres a tons of fun drag this year thanks to Milo and Sab!

*is excited*
-Ty

So i have started my new job at the Cadbury factory where my dad works and even before i started i hated it. During Orientation we got our uniforms and i had to fight with the lady to get pants and a shirt (the "male" uniform) insted ofthis nasty summer dress thing. Anyway so after i managed to convince her to give me pants i start my first night shift and i walk in to the ladies locker room and people are double taking me and staring at me...so i get out of there as quickly as possable...i managed to advoid confrontation until thursday night when a lady started shouting at me to get out because this was the ladies locker room...after a crowed had gathered to watch me be publicly embrassed she finally let it go and accepted that i was female bodied...normally i would be happy that someone saw me as a guy but this was just humilating. i wish i could just walk in to the mens locker room but i know ill get stared at and called out in there too...so for now this is my life....untill i make changes....why cant the world be gender nutral....my vote is for unisex bathrooms and locker rooms and anything else where we don't get seperated by our genitals.
-Ty

i just posted about how things are happy happy....and well i guess they are but i feel so fucking messed up!

im alone at home and i start thinking....who am i? who do i want to be? who is me?
i want to know....i NEED to know. people are supportive...they are, i just have no one to talk to no one that understands no one to get frustrated with...i want to yell i want to cry...maybe im over-reacting, im alright...im doing fine, keep telling yourself that i say...im not happy, im not, im not happy in this body...i just want people to see me...DO YOU SEE ME?? Im right infront of you...look hard because im here...

im on the waiting list for sherbourn health center to get some 'help'...are they going to understand? does anyone understand?

Ty

well i told my parents about beinf trans and they took it fairly well, they said they will always love and support me no matter what. they want to be fully involved in everything i decide. they actuially said they wernt that suprised and that they had been thinking that for a while now. so its good to know i have their support... this week has been good, i went to Kings ransom last night (a bi monthly drag show in Toronto), it was awesome, it was to raise money for a couple of the kings to preform at the international drag show and represent Toronto, so good times...tomorrow is the canabis march, so ill be headding out to that and meeting a couple friend there so that should be fun too. AND i got a job at the cadbury factory with my dad, its gonna kick ass but i have to take out my piercings so i have to put fishing line in my eyebrow while im there and as for my lip i may just let that close for the summer, oh well its good money! In other news, i got so kick ass shorts the other day and i got the balls to wear them out with my hairy boy legs and well it went well i didnt get looked at like i was a freak, i think it actuially helped me pass better. whoot!

peace
Ty

Oh yeah i have a mohawk...i love it, it's hawt! lol enuf said =P

well, i think i've finally admitted to myself that i need and want to transition. I was sitting in Taco Bell and it was full of bio guys and i was sitting there so sad, jealous and angry that i was'nt like them and even tough i am fairly androgynous and i was binding at the time i just felt like i stuck out like a sore thumb and i so badly wanted to change that. so i told my girlfriend that this is it, i wanted to become on the outside who i am on the inside. so we talked about the next step and i decided that it would be to come out mine and her family, so easter she told her family and it went fairly well, they seemed accepting, kinda confused but understanding, so that's good. now i just have to tell MY parents...we'll see how that goes. but the positive experience with my girlfriends family gave me optimism for everyone else. it was especially helpful since when i came out as trans to one of my best friends was the worst experience of my life, she suddenly went religious on me and sent me a 4 page email asking me why i would want to change my 'natural' path and that i have been influenced by bad people who claim to be my friends (possibly referring to the people who actually accept what I'm doing??). Anyway its kind of a major mile stone for me to admit it to myself and tell people other than my girlfriend. Its taken me a long time to get to this point so i feel a little scared and allot relived. next step: find a shrink to help =). peace, Ty.

well i have a new LJ finally. i've been meaning to do this for awhile.
sooooo nothing is new and inersting with me i got my placment, it kinda
sucks its at community housing...not the most intersting place in the
world but meh it will do. poor as hell and just trying to survive on the
shit pay i get and still have a little fun. in other news its my birthday
is in 13days...19 finally, although i been drinking since i was about 10
thanks to growing up in England and getting in to bars over here for like
6 months now thanks to fake ids :P. anyway im out.
peace.